i’m afraid of forgetting.

I’m scared of forgetting all that has happened to me. What if it happens again, or there’s another scenario in which I’m not sure what to do because I forgot it, and then I’m lost again? What if I forget it and then I can’t help anyone else get through it, and be a representation of how strong a human could actually BE, if they wanted?

But at the same time, I WANT to forget. I want to forget the abuse, and the rape, and the tears that were cried in the soft dark, that I had to cover my mouth so no one would hear. I want to forget about the choking and the cutting I put up on myself, thinking that it was MY fault, my fault, and if I had just been better, more stronger, less sensitive, more tolerant and less quiet, and just didn’t stand up for what I believed in…it wouldn’t have happened.

I started to realize that I haven’t actually acknowledged it. I haven’t acknowledged what has happened to me, what I faced, what I went through, and I don’t know why. I think I’m afraid to. Because if I acknowledge it, then that means that it has happened. That means that someone DID wrap their hands around my neck and squeezed until I screamed, and someone DID violate me, and I don’t think I can’t handle that. Maybe someday I’ll get out of this thinking, and I’ll be okay.

But I doubt it.